Soldier
by JolinarJackson
Summary: Matt stared out into space and wondered – once again – if God was able to hear him here, too.


**Soldier**

_Summary__: _Matt stared out into space and wondered – once again – if God was able to hear him here, too.

_Pairing:_ Matt/Chloe_  
Rating:_ T_  
Spoiler: Water_,_ Life_,_ Justice  
Setting:_ during _Justice__  
Beta:_ sheneya – thank you!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Stargate Universe_ and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

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He was too young for this, he didn't know what to do. Suddenly, he felt like eighteen again, sitting across Annie in a diner - in the middle of the night - and watching her brush her blonde hair behind her ears nervously. _"I'm pregnant, Matt."_ The shock had just given way to panic, when she added, _"I'm going to have an abortion."_

It had been a lie.

Matt wondered whether there was a part in his life during which he'd not been lied to. Perhaps before his parents died. But that had been so long ago and he hardly remembered the time before his fifth birthday which he'd spent in the orphanage. Someone had told him that they had died quickly and painfree. Years later, Matt found out through old newspaper articles that they'd suffered for three hours before the rescuers hadn't got an answer out of the completely wrecked car.

His foster father had preached that only God could bring about redemption. Matt had believed him, until he'd found him the first of many times in the church, leaning against the altar, drunk and sleeping.

Someone had told him that the military would be his chance to order his life. It had worked for a while, he'd just begun to like his life and to feel safe.

The Icarus Project was everything he'd ever dreamed of – he'd thought that he could do something meaningful.

Then the next lie came. They wouldn't evacuate to earth. But into the unknown … _Destiny_. The name sounded almost ironic in Matt's ears. He'd never wanted this destiny.

Now, he felt every day as if he was standing at the edge of a precipice - on the tips of his toes - without an anchor to hold on to and constantly, there was somebody trying to knock him over - most of the times, it had been Rush. In the end it was Annie who'd done it.

"What are you going to do now?" Chloe asked, wrapping her arms around him and pressing up against his side.

He stared at the floor, his hands gripping the sheets. "What can I do? Annie's not cleared. I'm billion of lightyears away … what can I do for a kid? For my kid." It still sounded strange to him, he was only twenty-six, he was confronted with life-threatening situations on a daily basis. He shouldn't have kids.

Chloe's hair tickled his skin when she pushed her head into his neck. She dropped a kiss on his temple. "I'm sure you're a great dad."

Matt wondered why he'd ever told her. He knew she meant only well but maybe Eli was right - it got difficult if people knew too much about you. Especially if you were forced to live with them.

"No, I'm not, you see? I'm not there." Matt got up and stared out of the window. When he focused too much on them, the bluish shadows of the FTL drive made him dizzy and he closed his eyes.

"Sorry," Chloe said.

"It's okay," he sighed, "I'm just -- tired."

"That's understandable. With everything that's going on here at the moment."

"Colonel Young didn't kill Spencer," Matt snapped.

"I'm not saying he did," Chloe answered.

Matt sighed. "I believe him," he said. Young was more than a commanding officer to him, he was a father figure, an officer to whom he could look up to. He had been from the first second, when he'd welcomed him and the other newcomers on the Icarus Base.

"I'm just feeling like it's getting worse instead of better."

"Me, too," Chloe said softly.

"But it should get better, right? We've been here for -- weeks. It should get better."

Fabric rustled when Chloe got up from the bed, then he heard her soft steps. Matt stared out into space and wondered – once again – if God was able to hear him here, too. "A couple of weeks ago, I postponed my vacation to stay on Icarus Base, you know? I didn't want to go back to earth." Matt stared out the window with such concentration that he felt as if only one step forward would fling him out into space. "Pretty silly. Considering that now, I want nothing more than to … go home."

Chloe put her arms around him and clasped her hands on his stomach, then she rested her head between his shoulder blades. She said nothing.

But Matt suddenly had the feeling to have found his anchor.

END

JJ 01/10


End file.
